Jealousy and Envy

By Irish Eyes

Once upon a time, a perfect woman met a perfect man and they fell in love. She met all the needs and desires of the perfect man, while making sure that all her needs were being met. He did the same for her. They loved each other completely equally and always knew what the other one was thinking. He never looked at another woman, never compared her to anyone else, and never thought about having anything other than what he had with her. She loved everything about him, especially the fact that he always did everything she wanted without her telling him. They never changed, never wanted to change. It was a perfect world.

It doesn't exist. It never has. Generations of men and women have been raised to think that it does exist and that the perfect world is what they should aspire to. That you fall in love with one person and that should be enough. Happily ever after, forever.

Then, what happens?? One day, the woman feels that her man shouldn't need to be told that she wants him to wash up the dishes because she's always expected that from him and she's tired of telling him. She gets upset because he's not meeting her expectations, expectations he may not even be aware of. Another day, he is sitting at lunch with his friends from work and he sees a woman walk by. She's beautiful, she's smiling, and she has breasts! His mind (and his cock) starts to imagine what it would be like to be with her, to touch her, to have sex with her. When he goes back home, he notices that his woman's breasts aren't quite as perky, and she isn't smiling at him; she's telling him to clean up the kitchen. So, he keeps imagining and keeps noticing the other women who cross his path. At some point, the woman wishes that her man would be romantic again, would give her more attention, and would show her love in a way that she could feel it again, like doing the dishes. But instead of talking about it with her man, she assumes that if he loved her, he would know this and he would be doing it. Then she takes the leap to assuming that he doesn't love her any more. And she starts to imagine, or even look for, the type of man who would love her. The man, who has been watching other women, dreaming about them, tries to understand why she doesn't look like she did when they first met, why she doesn't do all the same things she used to, why she'd rather spend time with the kids and her girlfriends than spending time meeting his needs. And when was the last time he got a blow-job, anyway??!! Obviously, she doesn't care about him anymore.

Okay, you can see where the problem is. Everybody is making assumptions and has expectations of each other, most of which are never discussed. Somehow we feel that if someone loved us we wouldn't have to tell them how we feel, they should know.

There lies the root of jealousy.

Jealousy and Envy are used interchangeably by some, but actually have different roots and expression. Jealousy is the negative emotion (usually fear, sadness, anger, etc) that is associated with the anticipated loss of something you have- whether it is a sexual relationship, love, or even friendship. Of course, the starting point is that you make the assumption that you actually have that, that the person you love is in the same kind of relationship with you that you think you have with them.

If you assume that you are in a monogamous relationship with a person, and they do not have the same expectation of monogamy, there will be jealousy, even if there is no "real sex" outside of the relationship. If you want to be monogamous, and the other person is involved with others (same-sex or opposite-sex, same rules apply), you may feel betrayed. Now, did the other person promise monogamy?? Sometimes, yes; sometimes, no. But you may have the expectation, even though it hasn't been discussed. In other situations, one of the partners feels that the other partner is theirs, belongs to them, that they possess the other person. If you think you own someone, and are in fear of losing them, you might understandably be jealous of anyone that you perceive as taking "your" person. You might also be jealous of anyone that you feel threatens the relationship you think you have (whether you have it or not is your own perception).

In polyamorous relationships, there is usually an expectation of non-monogamy (of course, there are some relationships which are polyamorous in theory, but not in practice). The whole basis of polyamory is the belief that we can love more people (including sexual love), that loving one person doesn't take anything away from loving someone else. So, there shouldn't be any jealousy, right?? Not necessarily. Even when you have both agreed to non-monogamy, there may still be conditions or expectations which you are not specifically expressing to your partners. Poly people have to deal with jealousy just as monogamous folks do, and they may not be any better at it. The only thing that works is communication, transparency, and not making assumptions.

Now, envy is a slightly different situation. Envy is the negative emotion associated with wishing for something or someone you don't have, or wishes that the other person didn't have what they do have. These emotions begin in childhood wishing for a toy that a friend has and you don't have. In adulthood, you may wish you had your neighbor's car, or your neighbor's wife. In a relationship with someone, you may envy the fact that they are able to enjoy themselves without you. A man might have envy for the fact that his wife has a great time going to lunch with her girlfriends or that she enjoys working out on her own. A woman might envy the time her husband goes to work while she takes care of children at home.

Sometimes it's difficult (if you are in the middle of it, especially) to understand which emotion you are experiencing.

I have a poly relationship with the man I love (I'll call him Paul). He is my primary relationship. We both have other relationships on several levels. I have sexual relationships with several men, wonderful connected sex with some good friends and sometimes casual sex with someone I barely know (but still connect with on some level). My lover has been monogamous with me for a few months, but the relationship has never precluded him being non-monogamous. We have talked about these things, in detail and kept the door open for more discussions. When I am going to see someone else, I always tell him- not for his permission, but out of respect for his feelings.

When we first started our relationship with such openness, I was unsure if it was possible. I had never been in any type of open relationship before (having been married for 21 years and recently divorced). My lover told me that he understood that I was a very sensual woman who enjoyed different types of sex with different men. He loves me just the way I am. He knows that this makes me feel happy. He said that when I return to him, when we are together again, my happiness makes him feel happy. He loves that I am sexy and uninhibited and that I am enjoying learning new things about myself. Wow!! I had never thought that a person could feel that way about another person. I learned the word, compersion- an emotion where you can gain pleasure from your partner experiencing pleasure, even if it is with someone other than yourself. The fact that your partner is enjoying herself adds to your pleasure, rather than taking anything away from the relationship.

One day, shortly after we had been involved in a hotel party with several friends (two of my favorite men, my lover, and two ladies I had just met), I met my lover at his house. One of the ladies (Lena, I'll call her) was there also and we spent time talking together with another (platonic) friend of my lover. After a while, Paul told me that he would like to have sex with Lena and me together, but that first he'd like to play with her alone for a little while (to help her be comfortable and be more aware of the pleasures of sensual touch-which she had first seen me experience at the party). I agreed and they went back into a bedroom. I chatted with the other friend for a bit, but she was tired and wanted to go to bed.

In a little while, I went to the doorway of the bedroom (which was open) and quietly watched them playing. Paul was touching Lena, kissing her, slipping his fingers into her vagina, massaging her breasts. I could hear her intake of breath and I knew that she was having an orgasm. I'm really not much of a voyeur, but I had had an unusual experience watching him with her at the party- what I called Empathy sex. When they seemed to stop for a moment, I walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, hoping to join in at this point. My lover, very nicely, kicked me out!!

I was confused, hurt, and unsure of whether I had done something wrong. I didn't know what to think. I went to take a shower, hoping I could wash the feelings away with my tears (or maybe understand it). My mind was still running in circles. Was I really jealous?? Hadn't we talked about this so many times in light of my playing with others? How could I feel jealous now? What was I supposed to do with this feeling??

It was nearly 2 a.m. when I came out of the bathroom, clean, but still confused. The bedroom door was closed, sending another jolt of pain to my heart. I wandered into the living room, now darkened with no one around. I thought about going home, but all my things were in the bedroom, including my book, and I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I had nothing to do, no one to talk with. I lay down on the sofa, wrapped in my sarong and tried to rationally decide what I felt, what I wanted, what I should do. Well, that didn't work; I started crying. My tears didn't last long, though, since I knew they weren't helping anything. I thought things through a few times and, although I didn't have the words yet (not knowing the difference between jealousy and envy), I was starting to realize that what I felt wasn't really jealousy. I was just feeling left out of everything and I knew that I needed to do something.

About an hour after I left it, I knocked on the bedroom door. Paul's voice told me to come in, but I stayed at the door and waited for him to come to the doorway. When he did, I told him, "I'm not alright. I need to talk with you". He could tell from my voice that I was upset and very serious. I was struggling not to cry because I wanted to make sure that he would hear my words, not just see my tears. I remembered from something I had recently read that you can damage a relationship by what you don't say as well as by the things you do say. I knew it was important for me to say what I felt.

Paul and I sat outside (at 3:30 in the morning) and talked about how I felt. I told him how left out I had felt, that I had thought (from what he had said) that we were going to play together and then he had excluded me. He told me that he had not been clear in his communication to me, that although he had originally planned for us to be together, when he started playing with Lena, he realized that she wasn't ready for that yet, but he had not informed me of the change of plans. He had not realized that I had been left alone, upset, crying and confused. We both were clear about how we felt, not accusing, not blaming, just describing the thoughts and feelings we had. Fortunately, Paul does not panic when I cry. He holds me and lets me cry, and when I'm ready to talk, he listens. He doesn't try to "fix" me, and he doesn't run away.

When we had finished talking for a while (not for good- we would continue to discuss this as needed until we worked out a better way to handle things next time), we went inside the house. The first thing I did was to tell Lena that I wasn't mad at her, that she had done nothing wrong. She gave me a hug and we all lay down on the bed and cuddled (me in the middle) for a while, not really talking, just trying to be comfortable together. After a bit, Lena went to bed in the other room on the sofa, Paul going with her to get her blankets and pillows. When he came back to bed with me, we snuggled and talked a little. Most of the energy had gone out of the discussion- it was never an argument, just a passionate and honest discussion about our feelings. In another article, I describe the psychological phenomenon of disruption and repair where a relationship experiences a stress of some type (we all say or do the wrong thing at times or make mistakes), and then recovers, sometimes stronger and better than it was before. This occurs primarily when the people involved understand how to say what they mean and mean what they say and use honesty and love to put the pieces back together.

I turned to Paul and told him that I was still a little frustrated. He said "You think you're frustrated? I had just put a condom on when you came back." "Oh, dear, baby. Maybe I can help with that problem", I said as my hands wandered over his body. For the first time in my life, at 4:30 in the morning, I got to have the very intense sex known as make-up sex (even though we hadn't broken up!). Maybe it was ´Disruption and Repair´ sex!!

Later I realized (after doing some reading) that I had been experiencing envy. I wasn't really jealous- I wasn't afraid of losing Paul's love and I wasn't angry that he was with Lena. I was envious that they were having fun while I was sitting alone with nothing to do. When he had been playing with her at the hotel party in the past, I had had someone else (one of my other favorite men) to play with also and I felt no jealousy or envy; I had actually experienced compersion. I enjoyed seeing them enjoy themselves at that time. This time was different because I was alone and left out, without any way to entertain myself. The most important thing was that we resolved the situation with communication, caring about each other, and strengthening our love.

Does this mean we'll never experience jealousy or envy again? No, of course, not. We are human and we will make mistakes, have misunderstandings, and have hurt feelings. But we keep learning from our experiences, and hopefully, we'll continue to grow. In love. --

The End