Disruption and Repair

By Irish Eyes

I learned something new this week about relationships. I love meeting new people and I love talking to them and getting to know them. I have a wide variety of friends- some I know very well, some I've just met, some I only know on-line, some I know much more intimately. I have really good male friends who I don't have sex with. I have other good friends with benefits. I delight in the diversity of my friends and they give me a lot of joy. Frequently, a common topic is relationships and, consequently, sex. Some people even think that I have helpful advice about relationships and sex, so I try to make sure that what I do give is good advice! I do research, read books, and frequently discuss such things with my therapist (poor man!!)

I love sex. I have been released from a long marriage with very little sex and I have completely rediscovered myself, what I like, what I want, and who I am. I've even found out that I am pretty good at it!! Sometimes, I not only enjoy having great sex, I get downright enthusiastic about it and want to share the experience with everyone!! This week I've learned that I may need to use more discretion sometimes. I also learned to respect other people's boundaries.

I had just met a new man on-line (in a manner of speaking). I'll call him Alan. I met him on a vanilla dating site, but after a while, we started talking a lot more sex than one normally would in a first conversation on such a site (sometimes I move really fast!!). In my process of evolution, I've decided to put my true self out there and see what happens. If a guy freaks because I tell him that I write erotica, he's probably not going to be the guy for me. So, I wait until the time seems right and I tell him. He's very interested and right away checks out the links to my stories. The one on squirting catches his eye and we talk about this (and the fact that I still don't know how). Well, apparently, he knows a lot more about it than I do and he tells me he could teach me!! Woo hoo!! Unfortunately, he lives out of state and that will have to wait. We have a nice time chatting, though, getting to know each other.

The next night, I had a very hot date. One of my favorite men and I had amazing, great, connected sex!! I came home late that night and found my new friend, Alan, on-line. Well, in my enthusiasm, when he asked me how I was doing, I just spilled it all!! Details and everything! After a while, Alan tells me he's kind of confused. He thought we were getting to know each other, making some progress in that area, and I've just told him erotic details of my date with another man.

Oh, my! I am speechless for a moment. I can see how he could feel. I forget sometimes that not everyone wants to know every detail of my sex life! So, I explain that I love talking to people, and since I love sex, it's a big topic sometimes, of mutual interest usually. I can understand that he doesn't want to hear all that and I can certainly respect that. I'm not apologizing for my life, my interest in sex, or anything I've done with anyone else. I am acknowledging his feelings and his boundaries. I tell him that I did not intend to offend him in any way. We re-explore our common ground and find out what we agree on. I accept that there are some things we may not agree on (like any relationship- we're just figuring this out a lot faster than some people do). We start defining what we are each looking for. In the process, we actually find quite a bit of common ground and similarities. Now, we have a place to start from. We continue the discussion, spending time finding out interesting things about each other.

The amazing thing is that I almost screwed it up completely. In another life (before my divorce), I would have apologized for everything, even things that weren't my fault and I had no control over. I kept thinking that if I apologized enough, maybe my husband would accept responsibility for his own feelings and actions, but it never worked that way. In this new kind of encounter, I was excited to find that we each took responsibility for ourselves, our own actions. There was no blaming, no criticizing, just saying what we felt and acknowledging what the other person felt. Wow!! Why doesn't everybody learn to do this?

Another time, I had a similar experience, this time with my friend, Dan, who I've known for a while. We had spent some time together off and on, and I really enjoyed this man. He's sweet, calm, has great energy, and I really connect with him in or out of bed. One weekend, I got to see him for a while, but we didn't really have any private time (since others were there). I missed having sensual, connected sex with him. Now, I know that he is a free spirit also and is not looking for long-term relationships with women right now. He had not said anything specifically to me, but I had heard him talking to someone else about having to cut off a woman who was getting too clingy and possessive. So, carefully, I told him that I missed him and was hoping we could get together soon. His response was not unexpected, but it was quite polite. He said that he wanted to make sure that I knew where he was in his life, and that he wasn't looking for an LTR. I wrote back (this was by email) and reassured him that I did understand. I respected his choices. I might push against his boundaries from time to time, but if he would tell me, I would back off and not be offended and we would be able to continue as friends (with benefits). I was able to tell him how I felt and he was able to tell me how he felt!! Again, Wow!! Nobody's feelings got hurt. I certainly didn't feel rejected because I wasn't. We had a small issue that could have destroyed us. We could have both gone on developing misplaced expectations, and become angry or hurt at some point. Instead, we addressed it and we both came out ahead. We found a compromise that allowed both of us our freedom and preserved the friendship.

I discussed these events, these "opportunities for growth", with my therapist. I told him that I am proud of myself for figuring out how to work things out with each of these men. He explains the concept of Disruption and Repair. For a good relationship to survive (on whatever level it might be), this is an invaluable skill. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say or do the wrong thing, completely unintentionally. What we learn is to pick up the pieces and put it back together again- not with empty words or promises, but with sincere feelings and intentions. Once we learn to do that, the relationship is not only repaired, but strengthened, as if it had weathered a small storm. Or perhaps a better analogy is the one where metal is forged in a fire, making it much stronger than it had been, by putting it through a flame. Whatever way you want to look at it, I'm really glad that I have started to learn how to deal with relationships in a more honest and effective way!! --

The End