Definition of Sex

By Irish Eyes

What is sex?? Some people subscribe to a very limited definition, specifically vaginal-penile intercourse. Some people take it to a more expanded definition, and then there are those who have taken it to a completely different level. I would like to think that I am in that latter category. This is another in my educational/informational series.

Of course, many people include sex that involves oral-genital contact. Although, for a long time that idea was not taught in schools, and even some famous people did not count it as "real sex". Regardless of puritanical and unenlightened education systems, sucking cocks, licking pussy, and all combinations thereof, can clearly be included in "real sex". Certainly, the person who is in the position of receiving the ministrations of their partner's tongue will consider the experience to be sexual pleasure. If not, the partner must not be doing it right!! Oral seems to rate high among all genders. I have several friends who tell me that they could eat pussy until their jaw hurts and still come back for more!! I've gone into much detail about some of the techniques for sucking/licking/orally pleasing a man's cock (to the extreme gratification of many of my readers). This can be done as an appetizer (getting the man hard in preparation for other types of intercourse and to give pleasure just for pleasure's sake) or as an entrée (which I've only recently started to enjoy). Decisions may be made regarding whether to swallow semen or receive it on your face, tits, belly, ass, or wherever you prefer. It's all just personal preference. I have learned that men absolutely love it when you suck them with skill and enthusiasm, and especially when you let them ejaculate in your mouth. It is considered a sign of nearly unconditional acceptance in some circles.

Anal sex (including digital stimulation, oral stimulation, and penile intercourse) is a delicate subject for some. It is probably one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted forms of sex. Many women were taught that it was dirty and bad and have never been able to get past that idea. Others (including me) completely enjoy all types of anal stimulation. It can be very intense. It may require more planning, preparation and finesse than vaginal sex, but it can be very satisfying. Some women can have an orgasm from just anal stimulation; others may require some clitoral stimulation at the same time in order to come. It just depends on the woman, and a sensitive partner with good communication skills will find out what she wants. Males have other issues with the idea of anal sex. Although, they may find it very erotic, many have fears about being considered gay if they enjoy it too much. Others may consider it sensual to have their ass played with by a woman, but do not want a man near their ass! Others have fear of pain or embarrassment. It may not be the easiest subject to bring up with a new partner. A helpful approach might be to say "I love anal play. How do you feel about it?" thereby removing the personal connection. If she says I love it, then you can explore if she wants to love it with you. If she hates it (or has never tried it and never wants to), then it wasn't about you anyway. Hopefully, with more education and information available, some of the unfounded fears will be defused. Bottom line (no pun intended), considering or participating in anal sex does not mean you are gay. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. You and you alone get to decide who and what can go in your ass (This is definitely one of those times where NO means NO!). And if you like it, just accept that it can be an intensely erotic experience and enjoy it!! If you think you might like it and then have a less-than-wonderful experience, remember that it is like everything else (maybe it was just the circumstances, the person, the method). Find an experienced and patient partner, plenty of lubrication, a supply of condoms (I'm not kidding- this is one area where condoms really should be used without exception!!), and give it another try.

What about other ways to give pleasure to each other?? Is it sex if you finger fuck or use her favorite vibrator on your partner? She may have orgasm after orgasm until she is lying exhausted in your arms. That certainly counts!! Is it sex if you play with his cock with your hands, maybe using your mouth from time to time, teasing and driving him mad with slow sensuous touch, increasing the pressure and the rhythm of your hands until he is exploding and gasping for breath. I'm sure that would be considered sexual gratification!!

Now, I don't want to neglect the benefits of self-stimulation. Masturbation is commonly thought of as the recourse of those without a sex partner (or for some reason not having partnered sex), but there are more reasons to engage in it. First and foremost, by exploring your own body, touching yourself, bringing yourself to climax, you can really learn what works for you. The best way to teach someone how you like to be touched or stimulated is to show them how you masturbate. Unfortunately, although masturbation is very common and considered perfectly natural for men, there are still women who feel it is bad, dirty, unnatural, etc and don't do it at all. Some of those same women have never had an orgasm (How sad!!). Wouldn't it be great if everyone were brought up to believe that their own body is beautiful and sexy, and that it is perfectly normal and desirable to give yourself pleasure? Maybe someday! There is good evidence that in order to love others well, we have to love our own selves first. Sexual love is no exception. Another good reason for masturbation is that it is a good stress reliever, for males and females alike. It reduces your blood pressure, helps you sleep, and is much healthier than alcohol or drugs!! And, of course, you can always share the experience with a partner, mutually touching or watching each other masturbate

Can you have sex with all your clothes on? Or some of your clothes on?? What about breast play? Some sensitive women (including me, again!!) can have an orgasm from sensuous breast play. Soft touches, pinching nipples, sucking nipples, cupping the breasts in your hands all can result in an indirect stimulation of the clit or the G-spot. Remember, everything is connected, especially in women who may be more responsive to non-genital stimulation as well as direct clitoral or vaginal stimulation. What about simply rubbing fully clothed bodies against each other?? It was certainly stimulating when we were younger and did not have the option of genital contact (for whatever reasons that we did not have sex at that time- still a virgin, birth control concerns, STD prevention, religious reasons). Well, guess what?? It still works! Try it sometimes. For fun, even with the partner you have had sex with innumerable times, plan an event where you both keep your clothes on and see if you can create enough stimulation to bring one or both of you to orgasm. It's all about being creative!!

On that note, what about kissing?? Is kissing sex? Well, okay, technically no. But can you kiss your partner erotically enough to cause her (I imagine it could be possible with men, but my experience is about women) to climax? I've certainly had orgasms with "just" kissing. Of course, it was truly amazing and intensely sensual kissing with a man (or maybe a few of my men!) who can kiss like an expert!!! Now, you know why I love kissing and think it is such an important part of true sexual attraction for me.

What about totally non-genital touching? Can you bring a partner sexual pleasure that way? Of course, you can!! Since sex starts primarily in the head (at least great sex does!), it is entirely possible (and even sometimes desirable) to give a lovely massage (with no cock, pussy, or even breast involvement) while stimulating your partner's imagination. You can tell her what you would like to do to her after the massage (or on the next occasion). You can describe her (or his, of course) favorite fantasy in full detail while sensually massaging all their stresses away!! The largest sex organ is the skin, so you can play with your partner's head while you stroke slowly, softly, firmly, teasing with a feather, kneading with your strength (not too hard!). I've nearly come on several occasions with a man just holding my hand!! Gently stroking my fingers, my hand, me gently stroking his fingers like I would play a cock, sliding his fingers inside my palm like a cock entering my pussy. You get the idea. The mind can do wonderful things!!

Then there are all the interesting things you can do with technology. Would you include phone sex (if we are expanding the definition of sex, how far can we go!!), cyber-sex, web-cam sex?? Each of these can be combined with masturbation of one or both participants (or more given the technological advancements). It is the true "safer sex" since there is no physical contact at all. It can be a fun way to explore with a new partner (or even to keep contact with an established lover who is traveling or unavailable). You can make it as subtle or as X-rated as you like. You control the view that is seen if you use a webcam. You control who may view your cam on-line. Of course, you should always keep in mind the limits of the internet and the possibilities for information transfer. Whatever you may transmit (chat or cam) can be transferred, copied, etc. so you may want to keep it discreet (avoid real names, faces, identifiers). Use good judgment.

For the advanced sexual explorer, there are even more ways to have sex. I've had sexual experiences achieved by moving chi (your life energy) as is done in several Eastern internal martial arts (such as Tai Chi and Qigong). As you allow chi to move through your body, you can direct it to your sexual organs and cause stimulation of them without touch, just with intention. I've had an orgasm listening to a hypnosis recording designed to reduce inhibitions (of which I already had very few!!) without touching anything or even intending it to happen. I've had sexual relationships with a few people that I have never touched, never seen them naked, and never had any real physical contact at all- just deeply intimate conversations and exploring the far reaches of our minds and sexualities. Students of Kama Sutra can learn to both control orgasm (prolong non-orgasmic sex) for amazing periods of time while still creating pleasure with and without genital contact. Participants in BDSM role-playing have other methods of sexual exploration, many not involving intercourse at all, but I am not very familiar with them so I can't really describe them.

And who says you have to have an orgasm to have sex?? Obviously, there are the women who never have orgasms, but I'm talking about having lovely, long, slow sensual sex without being orgasm-driven. When you aren't concerned with who gets off when, you can give each other amazing pleasure over extraordinary time periods. Sometimes, you can choose to just concentrate on the sensual experience of being with your partner and giving them every possible pleasure without trying to get anything in return. Another time, you can choose to reverse the roles. It's a wonderful gift to give someone.

When you decide to open your mind to the possibilities, it is truly amazing how broad the definition of sex can actually be. --

The End