Adding Spice to Your Sex Life- Advice to Everyone from Irish Eyes

By Irish Eyes

Here is another story in my series on improving your sex life. I hope you enjoy.

Lately, I have been asked by several people, "How can I spice up my sex life?", "How can I tell him what I want?", "How can I get my wife to do oral sex again?" and other questions. Now, I am no sex expert, but I have done some personal research (the best kind) and some real book/internet research and I've learned a lot. Fortunately for you, I also love to write and share information.

The most important factor in good sex is communication. Yes, it helps if you have all the appropriate sex organs (whichever match up turns you on- MF, MM, FF, or all the various combinations). And it helps if there is sexual attraction which could include anything from seeing each other's body parts on-line and wanting to see the whole body, preferably naked, to an intellectual, spiritual, metaphysical, emotional connection which evolves into a strong need to get physical. You could have this attraction with someone you just met, someone you are getting to know on various levels, or someone you've been married to for years!

No matter how good the sex you have with this person is already, it could be even better!! It's all about finding out what your partner really likes and then doing that. And letting your partner know what you really like. Unfortunately, most of us are not mind readers, so if you have always wanted your partner to suck your cock and you've never actually told them, or helped them learn how you like it, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you want to find out if your woman can squirt, you're going to have to experiment a little to find out. Or, if you are a woman, and you want your man to spend more time on foreplay or just want to have a prolonged make-out session, you have to tell him.

So, the question is how to tell him/her what you like or find out what she/he likes without hurting anyone's feelings. Obviously, "You never do what I like" or "You aren't any good at that, you know" is not going to get you more of whatever it is!! You do have to be considerate and give some helpful information. Remember to use your words- moans, groans, grunts and screams are great, but they don't give enough specific information.

A good approach might be to say, "I really love making love with you. I'd love to find more ways to make you feel wonderful. Would you mind if I try some things just as an experiment? I'd like to touch you in different ways and you let me know how much you like each type of touch." Use an easy scale such as 1-10 where 1 is "I hate it and I never want you to do that ever again" and 10 is "I love that and I want you to do it forever". The number scale is a good method because it doesn't have a lot of emotional content to it. Each person has their own likes and dislikes and this is a way to tell each other without hurting each other.

You may even want to start with completely non-sexual touch first. Try different ways of kissing- feather light kisses, full contact lips, full tongue play, nipping at the lips with your teeth, kissing the cheeks, eyelids, neck (oh, definitely try the neck, very sensitive for many people!!), and earlobes (why do you think we wear dangling earrings!?). Use more pressure, then less, varying everything and find out from your partner which they like best. Now, remember one caveat- We all have the right to change our minds!! So, if we love really soft kisses one day and another day we want them firm and with a lot of tongue, it's not because we are crazy; we just like different things on different days. Would you eat the same food everyday?? Of course, not!! But it is still good to find out what your partner likes right now and be prepared to change to something else next time. If you've got that whole communication thing going well, it will be much easier.

Another time, you can start with a non-sexual massage. With or without clothes (they will probably come off at some point, but you can start with them on), start massaging your partner with different types of touch. Use the number scale to find out what your partner likes. Of course, you can massage the back and neck, but also explore the hands and feet, very sensual places on many people. Use a nice scented massage oil or cream (try not to spill it all over the bed, though, since that really ruins the mood for most women!) so you can get the dual response to the touch and the scent (also very sexy for some people). With massage, men tend to rub too hard, and women tend to rub too softly, so this is an important area for really listening to what your partner likes. If you are massaging your man's shoulder or back and he is not responding, trying pushing deeper into the muscle. Put your body weight behind it instead of using your arm strength (especially if you are not working out with weights regularly, like you should be!!) Gentlemen, if you are kneading your lady's muscles like you are squeezing out a wet towel and she keeps flinching, back off a little and try a softer touch for a while. She may still need deeper massage in some muscles but usually not a kneading motion- more like firm pressure with a little circular motion or gentle strokes with an oiled hand. As your partner responds, you may want to start losing some of the clothing, but try not to jump right into genital contact. Even naked, there are still a lot of other parts of the body that love being touched. In order to really enhance the anticipation, put a limit on your play the first time (no genital contact or breast contact!!). See what you can do to make your partner feel great without either of you touching breasts, cocks, pussies or ass (buttocks are fair game, though).

I read somewhere years ago (so I don't remember where) that women need to feel relaxed and loved in order to have great sex and men need to have sex (preferably great sex, but good sex works, too) to feel relaxed and loved. Therefore, in order to have great sex with a woman, you need to get inside her head a little. All foreplay starts in the mind (and great sex is definitely in the mind!!). Most women need the seduction- it can be simple eye contact, the brushing up against each other in the kitchen in anticipation of sex in the bedroom later, or a little verbal flirting. Next, we generally need to be comfortable; that means reasonable confidence that she won't be interrupted by children or have the neighbors stop by. Sometimes the best foreplay is for you to clean up the kitchen or put the kids to bed while she has a relaxing shower or bath and gets ready for some fun with you!!

Okay, you've been very patient and I know you want to get to the "real sex" but all of this other advice is the most important part of getting "really great sex"!! So, if you're ready, both partners (!!), you can move forward to the more sexual foreplay. That doesn't mean heading straight for the pussy, you still need to work your way around her body. Don't forget the breasts!!! Like that would happen! And remember, you need to find out what she likes TODAY. It's all about continuing the communication. When you do get to the pussy, the clit, the cock, the balls, the ass, all of those parts, remember the techniques you were doing to the other body parts. Ask your partner to tell you, using the number scale, how she likes it when you lick right there. What kind of pressure does she want on that particular spot? Work your way around a little bit at a time. Don't rush!! This isn't about bringing her to orgasm right now; it's about learning your partners body. But if you get an orgasm, don't despair!! But don't stop exploring either!!

Ladies, sucking a cock is easy, but if you really want to make him crazy, play with his cock. Lick a little, suck a little, slide your tongue over the head and gently touch the slit, slide your tongue all the way down one side and back up the other. Watch him respond; obviously he will be getting harder, but watch his eyes. Flirting with your eyes is incredibly sexy especially while you are making love to a man's cock with your mouth and hands. Oh, yes, definitely use your hands. Hands following mouth, mouth following hands, changing pressure, using the wetness from your mouth as a good lube for your hands. And for goodness sake, don't forget the balls!!! Lick them, suck them, cup them in your hands while your mouth works on his cock. Again, pay attention to how he responds (don't expect a lot of words at this point, but keep checking to see if he is enjoying what you are doing). It's not just about getting him off; this time is an exploration, finding out what he likes. If you take your time, this could take a while, but you will really be appreciated and you will learn a lot about how he responds to each type of touch.

Be creative. I'm not just talking toys, though that can be a whole other article. If something isn't working quite the way you like, find a different way. Give each other permission to try something just to see if it works- no obligation, no expectation of any outcome other than the exploring something new. If you've never done something with your partner, talk about trying it out in stages. For example, I haven't ever been comfortable with the idea of anal stimulation of my men. I love it on myself, but just couldn't get past the idea that it was too clinical to be sexy. Or maybe my upbringing taught me that it was dirty. I don't know, but it's been in the back of my mind that I should try it sometime. So, in order to do that, I'll get a willing partner, preferably someone I've been with before and have some rapport with. Someone I can talk with honestly. Then, with their permission, of course (Never stick anything in anyone's ass without permission!!), after getting them all ready, I can try putting a lubed vibrator (I did hear a cool trick is to put a condom on the vibrator, makes it easier to clean and doesn't get lube where it shouldn't go) in his ass while I'm playing with his cock. Licking and sucking a man's cock while he has a small vibrator in his ass should cause some interesting reactions!! If that goes well, and I expect it will, I can try putting my finger in his ass and see how that goes. You get the idea here, working my way along gradually to reduce any anxiety I might have while having fun with someone who is willing and able to give me feedback about what he likes. Sometimes you have to think outside the box in order to try something new.

I'm not even going to talk about fucking. If you've done all the rest of the steps, and you are still communicating well, I'm sure you can figure out the rest.. Just remember, explore, try new things, and find out what works.

I hope this article gives you some helpful tips. Now, go do your own research and have fun!! --

The End